


Going home

by ilwin



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Character Study, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23561947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilwin/pseuds/ilwin
Summary: Turlough is finally going home but not everything seems to be like he imagined it would be.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Going home

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Louise (on tumblr) for beta-read

The spaceship flew through the universe at a steady pace, while inside of the ship it was nearing night time. Lights were mostly dimmed to a minimum and most of the crew and passengers were sleeping in their rooms. Only a few checkers were staying awake to watch the proper flight of the ship.

The recreation room was almost completely dark, lit only by few mild emergency lights, and it looked empty. At first sight. By the wall, that was formed just from one strong, highly protective glass window, a single person was sitting.

Staring into the universe behind the window, half lost in his thoughts, Turlough hadn’t moved for more than an hour.

Second day on the Trion ship had passed and according to the captain of the ship still two or three days remained before they would reach Trion; they needed to fulfil some tasks before they returned.

Turlough had hardly slept the night before and the next one didn’t seem to be different. This time he didn’t even try to fall asleep; he’d just waited until the recreation room was empty and then sat by the window and watched the universe passing by.

_Better to go back while you're a bit of a hero, eh?_

The Doctor’s words were echoing in his head as he was looking out of the window.

I’m quite a lot of things but hardly a hero… Why should I be? Because I’ve survived my exile? Because I called help for the people of Sarn?

Turlough shook his head and sighed.

I always wanted to go home and now that I’m finally on my way back there, I can hardly sleep and I… well, yes… I’m afraid. Afraid of going back home.

_”I actually can’t go home. Not directly to my home. But I want to go back,“ he said to the Doctor. “I’ve been away for so long…“_

_”Are you sure about it?“ The Doctor asked gently and Turlough looked at him, surprised._

_”Sure I am! I want to go back to my home, my house, my…“_

_“Time didn’t stop,“ interrupted the Doctor and when Turlough frowned uncomprehendingly, he added: “The time you spent on Earth and then travelling in the TARDIS, that time was passing on your planet too. Things surely aren’t quite the same as they were when you left your home.“_

_Turlough snorted. “Well, I hope so. I could never go back otherwise.“_

_The Doctor nodded shortly. “Yes, but apart from that… everything changes. Everyone changes… Even you have changed.“_

_At first, Turlough looked at him with surprise, but then he just scowled slightly again and shook his head. “The TARDIS may be home for you, but it isn’t home for me. I miss MY home.“_

Turlough sighed. Yes, I miss my home. But what if the Doctor was right and everything changed so much I won’t even recognize it there?

I mean… what if it doesn’t _feel_ like home anymore…?

He nervously fiddled with the sleeve of his clothes and shifted on the chair a bit.

When they boarded the Trion ship, the crew gave Turlough and his younger brother some spare clothes made on Trion. Turlough was grateful he wouldn’t need to land on Trion just in the shorts (as he has left Sarn), but soon he found out that he wasn’t used to the Trion fibers and design anymore, and he didn’t feel fully comfortable in this clothes. Not even after two days.

”Master Turlough.“ A resolute voice at the doors tore him out of his thoughts.

It was a member of the medical crew, a middle-aged, stern looking nurse. She had had a night emergency the previous night as well and found Turlough sitting in the recreation room in the middle of the night. It appeared she had walked directly there this time to check if he would be there again. “You’re not sleeping again,“ she added reprovingly.

Turlough didn’t move. “Leave the dark, please,“ he said before she could reach for a switch. She shook her head disapprovingly and came over Turlough.

”You should be sleeping,“ she said, quite pointlessly. ”Even your brother and the others from Sarn, who aren’t used to space travel, sleep like babies all night through. But you are just wandering around the ship, staring into the darkness…“

”And causing you problems?“ Turlough sneered, still watching the universe behind the window. “Just don’t mind me; it’s my problem, not yours,“ he added sharply.

”Not quite. Our duty is to look after the physical and psychological health of all passengers and crew, and that means you as well.“

Turlough rolled his eyes. “I’m fine. I just can’t sleep, that’s all.“

”I’ll give you some pills…“ The nurse started, but Turlough interrupted her immediately:

”No, I don’t want any. Just leave me.“ Only now he turned his head a bit and looked at her. But only to see if she would really go.

The nurse looked discontent. “Good, no pills. Maybe a talk then?“ she suggested and the tone of her voice wouldn’t be encouraging chat, even if Turlough had been in a talkative mood. And he wasn’t.

”Certainly not,“ he snapped. “Can’t you just let me be?“

She laughed shortly and it didn’t sound cheerful at all. “You’re forgetting that you are a very public person now, Master Turlough. Maybe I could let you be, but Trion won’t.“

Turlough turned to her in uncomprehending surprise. “What?“

”You’re a Clansman.“ The nurse crossed her arms in a kind of disapproving pose. “The one who was exiled, because he didn’t want to give in to rebels. However, you survived the exile and saved the people of Sarn, including your own brother. Your life is now the concern of all.“

“What? Why?“ Turlough couldn’t take in what she was talking about. He stood up and stared at the nurse as if he tried to find a sign that she was joking on her face. “I’m just going home. Back from the exile, yes, but I’m not the only one who returned, am I? Captain Lomand said that many others have returned too. Are the others “public people“ too?“

“But you’re not like the others, Master Turlough,“ said the nurse with the same disapproving expression on her face. “I’m sure lots of people long to ask you lots of questions now.“

”Because I escaped exile?“ Turlough watched her rather uncomprehendingly. “But that’s gone now, isn’t it? I just want to go home… to go on with my life and work…“

”You can’t turn back time, Master Turlough. Nothing that has happened can be undone again. You should be aware of that.“

Turlough didn’t answer. He actually hadn’t realized there could be more than just one problem with returning home.

He stared silently at the nurse, who looked even harder in the poor light of the emergency lighting, and for a while none of them moved.

Does it mean I’ll never have my former peace back? But…

“I’m sorry, Master Turlough, but that’s the situation,“ said the nurse drily like she was reading his thoughts. “Do you want me to bring you the pills now?“

Turlough pulled himself together, straightened up a bit and shook his head, frowning at her doggedly. “No.“ He crossed his arms too. “That’s not a solution. Can _you_ leave me alone _now_?“ he asked half crossly like if he blamed her for all the troubles that seemed to be awaiting him on Trion.

The nurse shrugged. “Alright. I did my duty,“ she said disapprovingly. “If you need some help after all, you know where to find us,“ she added and slowly left the room, leaving Turlough to his misery.

_”You think, you will just go on where you left off, don’t you?“ The Doctor watched Turlough with a searching look._

_Turlough shrugged. “I can’t go home now, but if I could…“_

_“You still couldn’t just go on where you left off. You can’t turn back time, Turlough…“_

_”Said the Time Lord,“ snorted Turlough and then he suddenly looked at the Doctor with a look full of sadness and bitterness. “Do you ever feel homesick? You still travel round the universe on and on, and you keep saying the TARDIS is your home, but is it really?“ he blurted out heatedly, so the Doctor twitched in surprise._

_”Can you imagine missing home but not to be allowed to go back there? Not to go anywhere else actually. To be stuck in some miserable place, where everything is just so foreign and distant, feeling totally isolated from everything that’s close to you?“ Turlough breathed for another upset speech, but the Doctor cut in on him calmly._

_”Yes, I can.“_

_Turlough stopped and stared at the Doctor silently for a moment. “You can?“_

_”I’ve been exiled by the Time Lords once. On Earth. I couldn’t leave the planet until they had decided it was okay for me to leave. I still tried to escape of course, but they made very sure that I couldn’t.“_

_Turlough watched the Doctor in astonishment. “You were exiled… on Earth?“ he gasped._

_The Doctor nodded, rather amused at Turlough’s expression. “The TARDIS really is my home, I wouldn’t like to go back on Gallifrey to stay there, but… it’s also “the TARDIS flying through the universe“, that is my real home. I had my TARDIS on Earth during the exile, but I couldn’t go anywhere with her and it was hard. I know what it’s like to be stuck somewhere and feel isolated. To not be allowed to go home.“_

_Turlough said nothing. He still didn’t want to tell the Doctor why he himself had been on Earth (and why he actually couldn’t go home now), but the fact that the Doctor had been exiled on Earth as well just made him speechless for the moment._

_”But that’s quite a long time ago. Two regenerations back. I cooperated — a bit — with UNIT at the time. With the Brigadier. It was strange to meet him again at school…“ The Doctor added._

_Turlough raised his eyes and saw that the Doctor was staring at something in the TARDIS‘ ceiling, looking a bit lost in his memories._

_Turlough sighed and the sound awoke the Doctor. “Anyway…“ He turned back to Turlough. “No matter how timeless it seems to be here in the TARDIS, time on your planet goes on and nothing is waiting for you,“ he repeated. “You should keep that in mind.“ The Doctor turned back and left the room, leaving Turlough to his thoughts._

_But I’m not like you, Doctor. I can’t travel through the universe forever. I want to go home… One day when it will be okay to go back…_

Turlough shook his head. No, I’m not like you, Doctor. I want to go home. But I want my old peace there as well. I don’t want to be… a hero… or a “public person“…

He recalled the way members of the crew looked at him when they passed each other in the ship‘s corridors during the day. And how everyone kept addressing him — Master Turlough. That was sort of usual for Clansmen and during his former life on Trion, Turlough had hardly been aware of it, but the time he had spent travelling with the Doctor and before that, the time spent in the english public school, untaught him the habit of expecting other people’s respect and made it yet another thing he felt pretty uncomfortable with.

The Doctor was right, I never thought things wouldn’t stay the same during the time I was away. Nor the people. Nor me.

Although it could have come to my mind earlier. After what happened in the Winter Palace.

And now I’ll even regret coming with the rescue ship and not staying with the Doctor, Turlough thought bitterly. But if I did stay, I would regret I didn’t come.

He heaved a sigh.

And I couldn’t let Malkon get lost from my life again just when I found him.

Turlough closed his eyes and sighed again.

A public person… Maybe it won’t be as bad as the nurse said. What could they even want me to do after all? They might want to write something about it or maybe make an interview — she talked about some questions —, but… there’s nothing to write about after all.

He opened his eyes again with new hope.

No, surely it wouldn’t be as bad as she was trying to suggest.

After all, I’m not a prisoner anymore, am I? Even though I escaped the exile. Lomand said the exile was lifted, so I can do what I want and go where I want to; they can’t hold me on the planet if I don’t want to…

Nonsense, he interrupted his own thoughts resolutely. I want to stay on the planet, it’s my home that I wanted to return to all this time, why wouldn’t I like to stay there?

Maybe because of that “public person“ thing? Suggested an unpleasant voice inside his head and Turlough frowned a bit.

No, he shook his head then. It’s gonna be alright. Surely. It’s my home. I want to be home again, finally.

No more running away.


End file.
